Most of us go to our graves with our music still inside of us. Only a few really get free. Free of fear, free of want, worry, and stress. Free to be gloriously guilt free to live unashamed in the manner that gives us the greatest personal satisfaction. Instead of joyfully falling in love with ourselves, others and the varieties of all things, we fall in line, assume our "responsibilities" and take on the burdens of survival and conformity.

By the time I was thirty I was actively conforming and surviving and hating every minute of it. I suffered from all of the peace seeking illusions that most others have; if I had more money, a better relationship, better friends, if I were better looking, smarter, had more degrees, ad infinitum. Not knowing I had the cart before the horse I searched in all the same old places everyone else does to find peace and fulfillment. I didn't know that peace doesn't come by getting everything you want, that peace comes through acceptance. All conflict is the result of attempting to live simultaneously by two different thought systems. Acceptance of life on life's terms, acceptance of your beautiful self as perfect, good and decent. Acceptance of your right to be here and to be as you are, acceptance of your right to follow your own internal guidance and know  what is responsible, and that it is right for you.

When I first heard that the secret to living more fully could quite possibly come through the acceptance of the eventuality of my own personal death, I was skeptical. How could one do that? My attempts to think my way through it all ended in frustration. I just couldn't make not being alive "real" to my conscious mind. It seemed so upside down and backwards. I didn't know it at the time, but I had spent most of my life doing everything I could to deny deaths reality for me. I was willing to do almost anything to even avoid thinking about my own personal death.

I had helped my parents pre-arrange their own funerals and watched them find greater joy in each other and their retirement. They seemed to be happier, more fulfilled. Shortly after, I reluctantly attended a Confrontation of Death Workshop at The University of Oregon in which we were taken through a series of exercises to confront our own feelings about our mortality, including planning our own funeral. It was a painful and frightening experience for me, but it opened my eyes to a possibility I had never imagined. Afterwards I felt great joy, about nothing in particular and everything in general. My life began to change seemingly without effort on my part. My priorities simply shifted. I saw beauty where I had not seen it found joy where I had not found it. I discovered that being is far more secure and satisfying than doing.

Living with the shadow of your own death automatically re-prioritizes life and enhances the potential to be more "present moment." When you think about it, all unhappiness comes from an attempt to live in some other moment than now. Yet most of us have difficulty living in the moment because our fear keeps us attempting to plan our future to "be safe". I can't be pre-occupied with my future and be enjoying the moment at the same time. Most of us spend a lifetime being preoccupied with and planning the future. But, when the "future" arrives we can't really enjoy it because we're pre-occupied with the next future. What if your need to feel safe in the future diminished? What if you came to just feel safe now, no planning required? What if fear went away entirely? What would your life be like if you were free of worry, strain and effort?

Most of us can hardly imagine the answers to those questions. Strange, isn't it? All the things we worry about and all the things we want to happen drift into insignificance when we are confronted with our own mortality. If you were told you had a week to live, would you be worrying about the crab grass, the boss's opinion and a thousand other things our minds frantically touch on in a day?

In the past thirty years, through our Life Appreciation Training Seminars for funeral home staff, modeled in part after The University of Oregon Confrontation of Death Workshop, I have seen thousands of funeral home staff find the freedom to live as they want, without fear and the burden of attempting to live as others say they "should" through the simple process of realistically confronting their own death through the process of planning for it.

As you begin to find your way through the exercise of confronting your own mortality through planning your funeral be bold. Displaying symbols of your life at the funeral may help your family remember what you liked and what you did, so get creative. But, props alone won't give them a sense of what they loved about you. Having your golf clubs displayed at the head of your casket will certainly bring thoughts of your enjoyment of golf to your family and friends. But, It alone can never crystallize the child like energy and beautiful sense of awe you experienced when you heard that solid sweet spot hit and saw the ball sail to the green. Arrange your funeral then to bring your family and friends that experience. Have golf balls given to the funeral attendees with the request they take it to a tee and hit it in your memory. Or have the funeral at the golf course and make hitting the ball a part of the ceremony. As you plan, try to give others a sense of your experiences in life. If your grandchildren were the center of your life, organize the ceremony around their play activities wherever you have it, in a building or at a playground. You can arrange to have the funeral any place you loved: a park, lake, the woods, a restaurant, an athletic field, on a boat, in a bar, at the beach, your home, or where ever will have meaning for your family in remembering you as they knew you in life not death. However, if spiritual matters are important to you, your church may be the most appropriate funeral location. Funeral homes are designed to accommodate the requirements of funerals and that may be the most appropriate. Oh and by the way, choose the music you want played. Maybe you want it to be a celebration, champagne served, a brass band playing and party favors given and your favorite food served. Maybe a more formal ceremony is appropriate, with more pomp and circumstance. A head table perhaps, where close friends are seated, who will delivery more formal eulogies may be more in keeping with your life and wishes. When my dear father in-law died, three hundred stand up comedians, and friends of his came to say goodbye to one of their own. Each took a turn at the microphone, doing bits of their act, some blatantly stealing parts of his act. As we laughed and cried our way through our good-byes, we all knew he would not have wanted it any other way.

Make your funeral an interactive one. When you click on "planning" and start the process it will lead you. Two-way communication is far more satisfying than the old "sit and be preached to" method. Meaningful interactive funeral experiences require many different verbal and non-verbal kinds of participation by family and friends as reasonably required to create powerful and living memories. Planned and effectively orchestrated human participation begins to create a more powerful connective energy in the funeral experience than just the non-verbal props alone. Ministers and spiritual leaders skilled at talking to the bereaved can bring a dimension of comfort and hope. But, they need not be the only participants. Consider making a video of your self talking to your friends and family or having a special family function that was videoed shown. You can leave messages on audiotapes for friends and family that can be played at the funeral. Even the bequeathing of special personal items can be a moving apart of the ceremony. If you have a beloved pet, make provisions for him/her to be a part if you choose.

Real personalized funerals not only "look" different than traditional funerals; they "feel" different. The difference is in the emotional context of the experience impacting survivors with a strong and lasting sense of who you were to them. It is an experience that delivers a powerful personal insight and an emotional connection with a living and sustainable memory of you that will never die. This is no small gift you give, but when accomplished its effect is felt forever.

A "good funeral" is any funeral that creates effective grieving opportunities. Good funerals create safe boundaries for grieving and make the public expression of loss acceptable. When we grieve for any one loss it always accesses our "loss history" and creates the potential for us to grieve for all of the losses we needed to grieve for but didn't.

If you think you're ready to face what could very well be an awesome emotional task, but definitely will be a rewarding and educational one, click "Planning" on the menu and develop your own personalized funeral. Make it an expression of you, who you are, how you feel, what you believe, what you want to say. And may He who sent you to this task go with you always.

Bill Bates, President
Life Appreciation Training
BBates@LifeAppreciation.com